*** Version 1.0 ***
Hi, my name is Arthur. And I’m not sure about my reasons for this website.
I know, I know. It’s not exactly a thing you might expect on the “About” page. Well, what can I say? I should know what I’m doing. But I don’t.
The strangest thing — I’m okay with that. Are you?
*** Version 2.0 ***
I’m not okay anymore. Quite some time passed since I wrote the first version of this page. I realized that it was utterly useless for the readers and that it wasn’t as bright as my fragile ego would like it to be.
I can’t say I like to talk about myself, with the exclusion of the times when I brag (when I brag, I love to talk about myself).
But it seems to me that it’s not a place for bragging. It seems to me that it’s a place where I must be honest, real, authentic. And honestly, it’s so hard being honest. But fuck it! Let’s start from being authentic. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. To remove all the doubts, I’m showing you a picture of me and a picture of a horse.
Hard to define.
Yet no one doubts
The authenticity of mine.
And now, when there is no doubt left in my authenticity, I’m going to be honest with you.
As with many people, since I remember myself, everything wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. I was stupid (which is still the case), naive, and stayed in an extreme delusion as to how my life should take shape. And, of course, I didn’t know about it. I knew that I was smarter than others and that for me, everything would be different. It was some magical certainty that stayed strong despite life, so diligently pointing me out at my seemingly apparent flaws. But, as someone said, it’s not what we don’t know that hinders us the most, but what we do know, and which is not at all the way we know it.
I was (and to a large extent still am) trapped inside my mind, the finesse of which surprised me many times. Noticing how I was lying to myself, I thought: “Well, now I see it! From now on, everything will be different!” And, as it invariably turned out, everything remained the same since it was not me who thought that. More precisely, not the one who wanted to change something. Instead, it was that me whom I had caught lying. But, who immediately put on a new mask and pretended to be different. While his goal remained the same — to leave everything as it was. After all, it was already good enough. “Wow,” he exclaimed, “how could I not have noticed it earlier? Okay, we’ll deal with it later.” Brilliant!
It went on for a very long time. I am scared to think about all the years spent in empty promises to myself. I denied myself a lot, saying to myself, “when I am financially strong, then I will celebrate my birthday properly. In the meantime, I don’t need to celebrate anything. And I don’t need to travel …” And, since I was much more stupid than I was willing to admit, money didn’t appear in my life for a long time. I was only racking up debts and living off my mother.
I resided in some magical world, in which everything should take care of itself. I was hoping for a miracle. I had to hope because otherwise, I would be disgusting to myself. The thought that I would have to change things by myself was inadequately scary. Unfortunately, I grew up to be incredibly irresponsible and intimidated by life. I actively searched for any conceivable way to avoid taking the slightest responsibility for the result and sincerely wondered how anyone could take it with certainty.
Anyway, I had enough shortcomings. But, like in most stories, there were some merits in mine. Luckily enough, I developed a love for reading. And, among other things, I was carried away by self‑development, psychology, brain science, esoterics, etc. I took practically no action, but I read a lot (read, listened, and watched).
Unfortunately, no matter how much I read, nothing changed in my life (as it might seem). From time to time, I experienced insights, clear ideas formed in my mind telling me How, What, and Why I should do certain things. I tried to build a universal system for living a happy life and fulfilling my dreams. But all my systems inevitably collapsed. I was frustrated countless times. And as one might expect, I began to be content with what I had and be afraid to set high goals.
I started studying web design, and then I stopped studying it. Then I started studying coding and got a job as a web developer. I was a shitty developer, and my salary was shitty. Then they stopped my working as a web developer. Then I didn’t work. Then I worked as a salesperson, and then I stopped working. Then I got another job as a web developer, and somehow I managed to make my work less shitty. Then I got a new job with a slightly higher salary, and then a new job with a slightly higher salary, and then I got a few promotions. This process, omitting the details, took me about ten years. It was a breakneck success for me. And this makes me very sad. After all, I’ve only had paid off my debts.
Being afraid of mistakes, I put off working on my website every way I could, telling myself that I still need to study this and that to launch the site. I’m used to building my self‑esteem based on whether people think I’m smart or not. And this is very unsteady ground. And very unrealistic (because I’m very, very dumb). No matter how many books I read, I will always have to make mistakes, do stupid things, and fail. Taking action is a much more critical skill for growth. A skill that I’m working hard on right now.
I have been afraid of the Unknown, practically all my life. The Unknown, which points me to my weaknesses and places where I act like a fool, laughs at me when I forget myself and think I’m smart — the Unknown, the perfect teacher.
Meanwhile, I continued to study myself. And my worldview was being rebuilt and expanded. I could not shut up, telling about my findings and insights to colleagues and friends, who often listened to me just to be polite. I gained confidence and matured emotionally, slowly, but surely.
Yes, I am afraid to make mistakes. And this site will undoubtedly lead to a lot of those. There are many things I still don’t know. But I’m going to share whatever little I know: what I learned by being inadequately afraid, observing the fears, studying them for years, feeling them, losing hope, what I learned about the nature of anxiety, how the brain works, the basic principles of human psychology, the motives that drive a person, the right mindset, the laws of learning and growth. The things which I’d love very much if someone had taught me in my childhood so that I wouldn’t be so afraid to live.
Thank you very much!